DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO LOVE YOU?
Allison Carvalho
PDF of this Piece // PDF of Issue 8 // Table of Contents
1.
What’s the point in explaining my pain when violence feels like rain
Trickling down each day since you died
Deep down I sigh because it’s finally over.
You can’t hurt me anymore
Absence and nostalgia have similar flavor
2.
Your voice cracked under pressure and I tried to measure
You to the boys who trickled into my life years prior
You were gentle with me and that seemed like enough
You always thought I was tough.
3.
When you drink you’re drunk
I get knocked down,
I get up again,
I get knocked down I get up again,
Why do I keep getting up?
4.
My existence is resistance
5.
On the second date it was rather late when I whispered it wasn’t all pretty
A month later I was thinking how you came in one summer
And I can’t help but stumble when I run into you at the library.
6.
Do you know what its like to love you?
7.
Me.
Trying to forget the time you held my brother’s throat and fear in your hands
Me.
Crying over the lost past and the forgotten future
Me.
Realizing the good days can’t catch the train
You were never really that good to me.
8.
Resiliency is reluctantly cultivated
9.
But your words hang like rag-ridden clothes I am not ready to give away
10.
Carrying heavy breath and tight key rings
I run home fearful with paranoid truth
Car slows down-I walk faster
Car stops-I walk faster
Door opens-I scream louder
11.
Fixing your pain was never my prerogative
But seeing you be strong was enough to make me weep
12.
I vomited sorrys when your arm touched mine on the red line
Audibly echoed obscenities and wandering hands revealed I was the one who was mistaken
I’ll never forget how long 2 minutes can feel
13.
Audre Lorde said that survival is not an academic skill
You.
Cowering in my arms.
Me.
Holding your hand.
She was right.
14.
I am worth no less because you couldn’t be there when I needed you
15.
But do you know what it’s like to love you?
16.
You were holding the steering wheel and my safety,
You asked me what I wanted to do but told me I’d need a husband to do it
I don’t need another man informing me why I need a man.
xxxx
Works Cited
Lorde, Audre. The Master’s Tools Will Never Dismantle the Master’s House. London: Penguin Classics, 2018.
xxxx
Allison Carvalho is a community organizer, partner and domestic worker. She earned her Bachelors of Geography from DePaul University and aspires to live in the essence of the Feminist Economic Geographers she learned from. Her work has explored gentrification, emotionality and welfare reform. She is currently campaigning against the Chicago machine in the next city election. Find her on Twitter: @All_is_oncarval